Preposterous!
by Iris Grimm
Summary: Dan Cooke and Delaney Keith, two of Europe's Top Vigilantes.  Nothing outsmarts them, except... a bunch of idiotic exorcists? Preposterous! Follow the two on their great adventure of a life with the Black Order: it's far from ordinary. R&R, please!
1. Chapter 1: Vigilantes

**D. Gray-Man ._. This was actually originally supposed to be a comic, but I got lazy. So my friend and I (his name is Dan) decided it was best to go the fanfic route.**

**This fic is rated T, probably more for 14+. WARNINGS ARE FOR: Cursing, Alcohol use, Blood, Ample usage of the Lord's name in vain, Lavi, among others.**

**So enjoy! The character's names are Delaney Keith and Daniel Cooke.**

**FYI, the conversation between "Chameleon", "Esprit", and Delaney is entirely in French. Just thought you should know :3**

**D. Gray-Man is not mine. If it was, it would be a lot less depressing.**

* * *

><p>3rd Person POV<p>

A young girl was running for her life.

Many saw her and her assailants: a girl no older than 14, with short brown hair, wearing trousers; and two thugs, both with an eye condition.

This girl's name was Delaney. The thugs were known only as the Chameleon and Esprit, two of Grenoble's worst thieves.

Finally backed into a corner, Delaney realized she was trapped. _"Shit, words cannot EXPLAIN how screwed I am…" _She thought.

Esprit, tall and arrogant, laughed. "What are you doing in the Red Light District, my sweet?" He said, in French.

"I have my business, as you do," She spat back. She began to fiddle with her belt. _"Please find the alley this time…"_

"Hee! Little girls like you don't belong here!" said Chameleon.

"I'm no little girl!" she yelled, "I'm almost 14!"

"Heh, yeah right. Look at you, you're scrawny!" "Heeheeheehee, yeah, scrawny!"

Just as Delaney began to reach a boil with her anger, a shadow slipped in on the roof. _"Ugh, finally! Took him long enough."_

The shadow jumped down off the roof and kicked Esprit in the face. Quite promptly, might I add. He stood up and stretched. "How's my timing?" he asked.

"Eh, a little better, considering it took you half an hour to find the alley last time," Delaney replied in English. "Other than that, pretty good Dan!" She clapped for him sarcastically.

"Oh shut up," he replied. "It was 29 minutes and you know it."

"Maybe it was and maybe it wasn't, I didn't have my watch on me." She kneeled in front of her "assailants" and whipped out two silver pistols. All part of the plan. After all, no one outfoxes the best thieves in Europe.

"Alright gentlemen," she said to them, pointing her pistols at their foreheads, "What will it be? Your heads or your money?"

They looked at each other and did nothing but stutter for a whole minute. Becoming impatient, Delaney clicked off the safeties of the pistols and they began to glow a little. Her eyes changed from the familiar hazel color to a light blue. She never knew why they did that, but they sure creeped out her and Dan's victims.

The two cowered. "We'll give you our money!" they screamed. "Just don't hurt us, you freak of nature!"

They dropped they money and ran. It looked like someone had robbed a bank recently, which made them happy. Delaney began to shuffle through the stack of Francs.

"We're having victory for dinner tonight, Dan."

"Great, my favorite!"

* * *

><p>After getting some food and graciously donating some money to a beggar, Dan and Delaney walked out of the city limits. They had begun to talk about where they should go next.<p>

"Maybe we should head towards Spain or Italy," said Delaney, looking at a map with a croissant still in her mouth. "I took a peak at someone's newspaper on the way out. Looks like there might be apex thieves in both places, maybe even Akuma."

"What cities?" Dan asked. He also had a croissant.

"I didn't catch where in Spain, but it looks like somewhere near Verona for Italy," she replied.

"I'll always be impressed how good a French speaker you are," Dan added. "We have to be careful though, we might run into the Order and they might take us with them."

"Ugh, yeah. I especially don't want to be near that young Bookman. He was such a perv."

"Don't worry, I'll stab him if he gets close to you," Dan said. He seconded his friend's thought; the one time they had met Bookman Jr. wasn't pretty.

"Thanks. That helps me feel reassured."

"No prob."

* * *

><p><strong>Stick with me, the real characters are coming next chapter.<strong>

**Doesn't Chameleon remind you of a certain Noah?... If it did, that was completely unintentional.**

**Dan, Delaney, Esprit, the Chameleon © Myself and Dan.**

**D. Gray-Man © Katsura Hoshino.**

**Next chapter, awaaaaaaaay!~**


	2. Chapter 2: Exorcists

**REAL D. Gray-Man characters now! Not just a Lavi cameo!**

**D. Gray-Man is still not mine! I'm not a good enough artist for that!**

* * *

><p><strong>"Kanda!~ Allen!~ Come to my office, I've got a mission for you!~"<strong> said Komui over the loudspeaker.

"Ugh… not ANOTHER mission with that guy…" Allen grimaced. Lenalee turned to him and smiled sadly.

"Don't beat each other up too bad, okay?..."

"I promise nothing," Allen replied, full of pure malice. Lenalee sighed. Not this bull again.

Both Kanda and Allen stormed up to Komui's messy office separately, each having a hissy fit about having to have a mission together. When they walked into the office and caught each other's eye, they were about to duke it out right that second. Luckily, Reever was there to break it up. Komui actually thought ahead this time.

"Alright you two, I have a mission here of UTMOST importance, so I need you to listen up!" Komui then tossed the Mission Reports to them and motioned for the two to sit down.

"Ok!~ Well, it appears we have two accommodators running around Europe, being thieves and the like, and it just so happens they're in good ol' Britain. So I want you two to… you know, CONVINCE them," he said, with a very Komui-like evil grin.

"Now, GO!" He then ejected the two out of the couch, sliding them down into a hidden chute underneath it. Allen began to scream, and Kanda began to look very angry and concerned.

"….." Reever looked at Komui funny. "… Was that totally necessary, Chief?"

"Oh yes Reever," replied Komui in a sing-song voice, "It made me laugh!"

All Reever could do was look concerned and slowly back out of the office.

* * *

><p>"I fuckin' hate going through Market Street," Kanda complained. "It's always way too busy."<p>

"Come on, shut _up!_" You're being really annoying and I'm trying to find them!" Allen snapped back. "You look for them too. Here, actually read your Mission Report instead of bloody _punting it_ at me!"

"Humph. Fine." Kanda then snatched the mission report from him and began to read. Skimming down to where the targets are explained, this is what he read:

_Potential Accommodator #1: Delaney Keith_

_Gender: Female, but has been mistaken for a young Male on occasion due to always wearing pants instead of skirts._

_Age: Around 14_

_Eye Color: Hazel_

_Hair Color: Brown_

_Height: 5'3", but appears around 5'5" due to high heels._

_Carries a lot of crap with her. She is the one who trick other thieves into following her. She is depressed, but the reason why is unknown._

_Family owns an Artillery Shop in America. Has an older sister, Kelsey, who is a potential Science Dpt. applier._

_Potential Innocence: Twin Silver Pistols nicknamed "Life" and "Death". Further evidence; Eyes change color when the innocence is activated. This could mean she is a Parasite- or Crystal-type._

_Potential Accommodator #2: Daniel Cooke_

_Gender: Male_

_Age: Around 15 or 16_

_Eye Color: Grey_

_Hair Color: Brown_

_Height: 6'2"_

_Carries a big sword. Is known for sarcasm. Usually is the one who gets to the violence during his and his partner's adventures, jumping down and surprise attacking victims. Usually has the last word, whether it be to his partner or his victims._

_Most family life is unknown. He is an only child._

_Potential Innocence: Large Sword that is easily bigger than his partner. Nickname (if any) is unknown. No signs of the Innocence being Parasite- or Crystal-type besides that he gets especially violent when it is activated._

_Additional information: The two are a pair of vigilantes in Europe and amateur exorcists. They steal money from other thieves, keeping a lot for themselves, but giving it to others randomly much like Robin Hood. Potentially very dangerous. They call themselves "Angel and Devil"; Devil (Daniel) due to his violent tendencies and Angel (Delaney) due to how easy it can be to think of her as "innocent"._

_Be especially careful handling these two. They can both go off the handle without any hesitation. We've tipped them off that there's Akuma in the area (which there isn't), so they'll be here for at least a couple days._

_Don't kill each other._

_Komui Lee_

"Che. Komui would say that," Kanda scoffed. Something caught his eye a split second after he spoke: two teenagers, around the ages of 14 or 16, he'd say, walked right past him. They both had brown hair, and the shorter one (which he realized was a girl) was wearing heels. The boy had a large sword concealed in his coat.

"Beansprout," Kanda said, while grabbing Allen's arm, "It's them."

"Grrrr, what'd I tell you, my name is Al-" Allen spotted them at the last minute, before they disappeared.

Allen stood and recovered for a moment. Then, all he could say was "Go. Go go go!"

Both Kanda and Allen began to run off the street and onto the rooftops. Kanda had found them again, so he made a gesture as to where he saw them. Allen nodded, and they both picked up speed and whipped out their Innocence. Allen saw them go into an alley, so he made a gesture to Kanda and jumped over to his roof. "Surround them in the alley," he yelled while jumping. Kanda nodded, and they both jumped down into the alley.

* * *

><p>"Will we EVER find this goddamn Akuma? God, we've been looking for HOURS!" Dan grumbled.<p>

"I know… maybe we should try the alleyway, just for the hell of it. There's probably nothing there anyway…" They both turned left into the alley. Unbeknownst to them, they were being followed.

"After this, let's find a place to stay for the night. I'm getting tired and I wanna see if I can connect with Kels…"

They didn't see anything for a minute, but then two figures copied their signature move of jumping off the roof into the alley and cut of all and any escape.

"Well… shit," Delaney swore.

"Yeah, shit is right," Dan replied.

Both of them stood there and considered their options, until finally, Dan nudged Delaney to catch her attention.

He said to her, "I think that scary lady wants to kill us…"

Kanda then flipped the fuck out.

"_WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, PUNK? I'LL PUNCH YOUR FACE IN!_" Kanda shouted.

"I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!" Dan screamed back. The two then fought each other, completely forgetting their partners.

Allen and Delaney just stood there, dumbstruck. Delaney extended an arm to Allen as a peaceful gesture.

"My name's Delaney Keith and his name is Dan Cooke." They shook while still watching their partners duke it out. "And your names are?..."

"My name is Allen Walker, and that guy is Yu Kanda."

"Nice to meet you Allen. I'm sorry you had to meet us this way…"

"No, I'm sorry…"

They continued to stand there and watch Dan and Kanda fight.

"Does this happen to you all the time, Allen?"

"Yep. All the time…"

* * *

><p>After forcing Dan and Kanda to stop fighting each other, Kanda and Allen took the two vigilantes to the closest pub to explain themselves.<p>

"We're from the Black Order," Allen said, "And our chief Mr. Lee sent us to find you."

"And if we don't come back with you," Kanda interjected, taking a sip of brandy, "He is going to kill us with his 'made-specially-for-genocide' robots."

Dan and Delaney stared, but stayed silent.

"We think that you're Accommodators, carriers of Inno-"

"Innocence. Yeah, we know," Delaney interjected.

Now it was Allen and Kanda's turn to stare. "You knew? This whole time?"

"Yup," Dan said, "I've known for pretty much ever. Delaney's known for about 2, maybe 3 years now."

"How did you find out, Delaney?" Allen asked.

Delaney quietly sipped her brandy. "I found out when I killed my boyfriend."

Allen and Kanda now had concerned looks on their faces. "Wait wha-"

"Let me finish," she said. She set her drink down.

"Surely you guys know what it's like to lose a loved one," she said. Both nodded a little, and looked away.

"Well, that's what happened to me. My boyfriend Nathan got killed in a hit and run incident. That should've been it. He should've just died, and I should have just shrugged it off."

She took another sip of her drink. "But I couldn't. I couldn't let go of him. So, one night, the Thousand-Year Duke decided to pay me a visit."

Allen's expression grew from sad to shocked. Kanda settled into a frown, blinking a bit.

-FLASHBACK TIME-

_Sobbing quietly in the corner, you looked at the picture of the two of you again. Why? Why did he have to die, and not me? It's not like I actually have a lot to look forward to…_

_ "Nate… W-why'd have to leave me like this? I wish you were h-here…"_

_ Kelsey had been smart. As soon as Nathan had been declared dead, she held you and let you cry. And afterward, she let you stay in your room until the survivor guilt began to fade away. She's such a wonderful sister, you love her so much._

_ Your parents had tried to help, but in the wrong ways. Your dad tried to make stupid artillery puns, which made you think about it more and made you run up over the store into the apartment to cry. Your mom had been trying to force you to eat, but that wasn't any good either. You just wanted time to be alone and cry._

_ Dan and your other friends had been nothing but understanding. In fact, it went as far as you and your girlfriends breaking down during break at school because of it. A bunch of people sent you cards, too._

_ The bullies were relentless though. They went back to the taunts of "crybaby" and "weak" almost daily. Both you and Dan often beat them up when no one was looming over you, but it still didn't help._

_ You look at your "just-in-case" firearms near your feet. Your dad gave these to you on your 8__th__ birthday for protection. You still haven't found a situation in which to use them however._

_ You look around your room as well. A desk with drawings and scriptures littering it rested in the corner. Dirty laundry littered the floor. A piano sat in another corner, with a basket of sheet music sitting beside it._

_ It hadn't changed at all._

_ It made the dam want to burst again._

_ What was that? You hear laughter somewhere in the room. You look around, but you don't see anything._

_ You look again, and now there's a shape standing in front of the window._

_ "Yiiiiii!" You scramble into the absolute corner of the wall next to your bed and stray tears fall down your face._

_**"Don't be scared my dear "**__ said the strange man. You couldn't see him, so you turned on the lamp on your bedside table._

_ You immediately put your hand over your mouth to prevent any noise._

_ It's the figure from the books you had borrowed from Dan. As you had put it, "That guy that wants to kill fuckin' everybody"._

_ The Millennium Earl._

* * *

><p>Delaney finally took a break to breath. She took a large swig of her brandy.<p>

"Oh lord…" Allen said quietly. He prayed a little bit after he spoke. Kanda sat as solid as stone, not saying anything or moving. Dan nudged her a little. She wasn't done just yet.

* * *

><p><em> "Wh-wh-what do you want with me?"<em>

_**"Oh my dear," **__he said to you, __**"I just wanted to come and offer you something "**_

_"What would you possibly want with me?" you whispered, hoping he wouldn't hear. But he did._

_**"I came to offer Nathan to you " **__he said. __**"Alive and well."**_

_ The words were lost on your ears. Bring back Nate? For real?... No, he kills everyone! Why would I do something as stupid as agree with him?... I want to try, though… I don't think it'll hurt…_

_ "Show me what you can do," you say. You didn't know how big of a mistake you were making._

_ The Earl then brought out a metal skeleton. __**"This is going to be your beloved's new body," **__he said. __**"But I need you to call him so he can come back to Earth."**_

_You stand in front of the skeleton. Oh well, you think, here goes nothing._

_ "Nathan?" You yell. _

_ The skeleton begins to move. "Nathan" appears to be scribbled in cursive on its forehead._

_**"Delaney?... Is that you?..." **__it said quietly._

_ "Nate! You're alive!"_

_**"Delaney, why would you do this?" **__It begins to cry._

_ You're surprised. "But Nate, why-"_

_**"Delaney, don't you understand? I have to kill you! The Earl will make me kill you!" **__It cries even harder than before. You begin to tear up with it._

_ "Nate, I-"_

_**"Kill the girl, my little Akuma "**_

_"Nathan" clambered off its metal hanger and took a step. _

_**"Please," **__it sobbed, __**"Don't!..."**_

_But it moved forward anyway. You became more and more scared by the second._

_**"Delaney…" **__It whispered, __**"I'm sorry in advance."**_

_It finally slashed at you, leaving a large wound on your left arm. You grab it out of pain, and scream. At the last second, you notice something. "Nathan's" hand began to disintegrate, as if someone had poured corrosive acid on it. "Nathan" saw as well. This gave "him" an idea._

_**"Delaney! Put your blood all over your bullets and shoot me!"` **_

_"But-"_

_**"Just do it!" **__it screamed. You did as you were told, just as it came back for another strike. You used what strength you had left to jump off the bed and dodge._

_ You spread some blood from the wound on your arm onto a couple of bullets, just as the Akuma positions itself in front of the window._

_ You pause for a second, and finally whisper "… I love you. Goodbye."_

_ You shot it right in the forehead. It fell out the window, which had apparently been open. The Earl was already gone._

_ You open the door and walk out into the hallway. Kelsey is walking by with an empty laundry basket._

_ "Hey sis, are you oka-"_

_ She notices the excessive amount of blood on your arm (which is now hardening very fast), the gun in your hand with the bloody bullets loaded inside it, and the tears falling uncontrollably on your face._

_ "Delaney!"_

_ She drops the basket and runs over to you. You slip onto the floor, unable to say anything coherent._

_ "Delaney!" She asks again, "What happened?"_

_ You sobbed one last time, and finally choked out 3 words._

_ "I __**killed**__ Nanthan!"_

* * *

><p>"And that's all that happened between me and the Earl," Delaney finished. Allen couldn't help but sit there and look on dumbstruck.<p>

Allen finally managed to choke out some words. "… Oh God…"

The silence lasted for several minutes.

Kanda was blunt with the two others, finally breaking the silence. "Are you going to come with us?"

Dan and Delaney looked at each other, and nodded.

"Yeah," Dan said, "We're going with you."

"I was getting tired of being a homeless vagabond anyway," Delaney said with a bored expression.

Dan replied to her. "Yeah, with having to forge for ourselves every day? It was fun for the first year, but now it's annoying…" The two friends then began to delve into a conversation about being vagabonds for several years.

Allen looked at Kanda, and noticed he looked relatively calm. "What'd you think? Will you be able to stand them?"

"Che. Maybe the girl, but definitely not that guy," he replied.

"Does that mean that you'll stop picking on _me?_"

"Fat chance, Beansprout."

…

…

…

"_GOD DAMMIT!_"

* * *

><p>Later, while en route to the Order, Dan told his part of the story.<p>

"I pretty much known from the start that I was an accommodator," he said. "My parents didn't know or want to know about the Order, so I found out for myself."

Delaney sat back into the seat of the car, listening. Allen was focused on Dan, and Kanda was stubbornly focusing on the road moving past them.

Dan continued his story. "It was an ordinary day, when I was about ten…"

-FLASHBACK #2-

_ You continue to wander about town, having nothing in particular to do. Seeing the people you always see in the small town, you decide to go somewhere to get away; the library. _

_ Coming in, you check out some of the new books, mainly entitled "Innocence" or "Exorcists", or "Akuma" and even "The Thousand-Year Duke". You check out all the books and take them home._

_ You pour over those books for days, even showing of them to those in your closest circle of friends. When you showed it to your friend Delaney, who was 9 at the time, said "Does that guy just want to fuckin' kill everybody?" Both of you then laughed at her choice of words._

_ This interested you so much you wanted to see if you were an "Accommodator", just like the books had said. You took a very old piece of metal that was given to you years ago out of a box in your room. Whenever you held it, your hand tingled slightly, as if though the cold substance was trying to communicate with you. You made a decision right then and there; It was Innocence. Real metal doesn't do that, now does it? This must have to be made into an Equipment-type Innocence then. _

_ Then, without your parent's consent, you saved up your money and got the metal made into a large sword._

_ It took some getting used to, but eventually you were swinging it around like it was a stick of corkwood. Now was the real test; to see whether or not it was real._

_ A girl from school just had a close family member die. Almost everyone gave their condolences, except for the few jerks that were too "high and mighty" to be sorry for her. _

_ A week after the family member's death, you saw her in the graveyard with the person you'd least expect; The Millennium Earl. You saw the skeleton begin to animate itself, and the girl screaming and running. You run straight past her and ready your sword._

_ All you can remember after that was the girl screaming, the sound of metal being twisted, the rush of adrenaline you felt, and the sorry-looking skeleton whispering a small "thank you"._

_ You had never felt more exhilarated. Wait until everyone hears about this!_

* * *

><p>"And then he didn't tell anyone except me," Delaney finished with a laugh.<p>

"Oh shoosh you!" Dan retorted, "You were the only one I trusted _not_ to tell my parents!"

For most of the time after that, the four sat in silence, Delaney and Allen silently laughing at Dan.

That is, until Kanda's golem rang.

Kanda sighed wearily. "What is it, Komui?"

_"Oh, hello Kanda, did you find them?"_

"Yeah. They're in the car with us." He brought the golem closer to the two. "Say hi to to Mr. Lee."

"Hi," they said together, sarcastically.

Komui didn't seem to pick up on it however, because he continued chattering. _"Good!~ I hate to spring this on you, Allen and Kanda, but I need you two to escort them to the train station. We need to send them on a mission straightaway."_

"Okay Komui," Allen said seriously. "We'll tell our driver to head out there."

Curiosity got the better of the partners in crime, so Dan spoke up. "What do we have to do, Mr. Lee?"

_"Ah~ You can just call me Komui, Daniel. You have to go and retrieve an Accommodator from Eastern Ireland and bring her back here. We want you to be careful, though. We think that an Akuma is involved somehow, but we're not entirely sure…" _He let the statement hang in the air.

Delaney continued her friend's train of thought, "What's her name, Komui? Age, Height, Hair/Eye color, etcetera…"

_"Oh!" _The sound of papers being ruffled came from over the speaker. _"Thank you Delaney, I was getting off track. Her name is Katherine Blake, or Katt for short. She is about 5'6", with curly red hair and violet eyes. She's a farmer's daughter, so she's sure to be in plain clothes. Be careful!"_

The speakers buzzed. Komui had hung up.

All Allen could do was sigh. "Well, that's Komui for ya, I just hope you two will get used to it…"

Kanda just put his golem away. He settled back on the seat, watching Dan and Delaney playfully argue about who gets the window seat on the train.

'It's going to be a long week,' he thought before dozing off.

* * *

><p>Komui picked up his phone yet again, dialing another number. He waited as the line connected with quiet beeps.<p>

Then the phone picked up. _"Hello, Keith Artillery. May I ask who is speaking?" _said a female voice.

"My name is Komui Lee, I'm the Head of the Science Department at the Black Order. May I please speak to a Kelsey Keith?"

_"This is she."_

"Ah, good. Hello Kelsey."

_"Hello Mr. Lee, why do you need me? Do you want to special order a gun?"_

"No," he said, "But I do want to tell you something."

_"I'm listening."_

"You see, Miss Keith, I know the whereabouts of your sister Delaney."

There was silence from the other line for a little while.

_"… You know where Delaney is? Is she ok? Is she eating? Is she with-"_

"Miss Keith," Komui interrupted, "I assure you Delaney is all right. Delaney is with us, training to be an exorcist."

_"… I guess I should have seen this coming, huh Mr. Lee?"_

Komui was shocked. "You knew your sister was an Accommodator?"

_"Mr. Lee, I could tell by the way her blood hardened on the night of the accident. Normal human blood doesn't do that, even someone without a Biochemistry major would know that."_

She paused. _"I'm no fool, Mr. Lee."_

Komui smiled warmly, recognizing the intent on protecting her sister. "I fully understand that, Miss Keith. In fact, I appreciate it. There is something I'd like to offer you."

_"Yes?"_

"How would you like to work for the Science department?"

* * *

><p><strong>13 page long chapter is 13 pages long ._.<strong>

**I swear, this felt like forever, but it only took me a couple of days…**

**CREDITS~**

**Delaney, Dan, Kelsey, Nathan, ect. © Me and Dan.**

**All and Any D. Gray-Man Characters/Settings © Katsura Hoshino**


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